I spoke to my pastor on sunday about the spiritual chemistry of a group or community...

ugh...that word 'community' carries so much baggage for me now after 4 years of being inside and outside of one..

of contributing to to it's virtues and vices...

singing over it and selling it out...

neglecting it, as well as coddling it...

...and waiting for it to refresh our spiritual existence.

It's become incredibly evident to me that it's time we realize that the heart of the community does not beat on it's own without the lifeblood that comes from the members pouring into the group and without. If the idea of 'community' is the heart, then it seems to me that we've developed blood clots in the main arteries, so to speak. However, those clots cant be cleared out be the heart pumping harder. We have to go in there ourselves and take out all the gunk keeping our spiritual strengths from benefiting the whole. Conversely, if the heart cant pump blood to other parts of the body, each separate part will weaken. See what i'm getting at? The problems are our own, and the idea of community can be no more blamed for the problems than a power plant can be blamed for a downed power line. Maybe we've been using the community as a scapegoat?

Once we get all our own crap out of the way, our spiritual chemistry can begin to spark, and our passions will begin to sync. This might be a strange, and maybe even painful process, but if we actually want to develop community, what else can we do. It's no kind of ministry, or even any sign of dignity, to ascribe to this idea simply to blame others for all of it's problems. That's just pride, a sin with which we all struggle. There was a time when we had something to be proud of, but I'm sick of simply letting the past dictate that we carry on a way of living in which living out community with each other is just a nostalgic novelty.

I want to live where we are striving to become men of God. Let's not sell ourselves short anymore. Spiritual maturity is rapping at the door. Let's quit being boys and let it in.

I'm dying for something that's alive.

I'm in the studio, silently judging Kelsey and Caleb's vocals.

We'll have some new music out soon, which is exciting! Josh OC is recording us for his senior project at McNally, which means its also free. Doing band stuff, if y'all didn't know, is epic expensive, so anything we can get gratis is a God-send. It'll be nice to be a little bit more guerrilla about this CD too. we'll be doing a lot more handing out of this one, and probably do a 'pay what you want' thing for selling it, Radiohead style. For once, we can let the financial aspect slide and just try to get the music out there whenever possible.

I have a student on my bus who I've been talking to about music and recording for awhile. He actually gave me some of his lyrics today to critique. It's really encouraging to see kids with real ambition. Maybe I'm just getting into premature teacher mode, but I do know that St. Paul schools are in trouble, and I just hope these kids can go on to do something with their life despite the fact that their schools are cutting programs left and right. I'm gonna pick this particular kid some literature from McNally tonight, because he mentioned he wanted to go to music school.

Also, My kindergartners are getting more awesome everyday. Communication is key!

Oh, and we officially have the band house! most of us signed the lease the other day and took an impromptu walkthough. I feel better about this house than any new living situation I've ever entered into!

Desmond is more important to the island than we can possibly imagine.

I've been fighting to stay in high spirits lately. I have limited time left for the things in my life that are less than enjoyable. However, the home stretch is often the part of the race that demands one's endurance the most.

I'm looking toward this summer, when things will change. Hopes for a new house, new job, new priorities, and acceptance to grad school are all rising, but I have nothing but time seperating me from this expected future. I'm the kind of person who likes to take efficient charge of my situation, and when other variables are involved that takes me out of control, it's usually a tough place for me to be. For instance, when somebody says 'Oh hey, i really need to talk to you about something important....but it can wait til later', I can lose my mind! It's just a quirk of mine, and maybe it has something to do with developing patience, but that is what I'm working on right now. I need to develop the endurance to let situations play themselves out, knowing I have nothing to do but wait and endure. That's how one's faith is developed, right?

So in these next 2 monotonous months, I'll be riding out this wave. It's tough because I see the light at the end of the tunnel as far brighter than the light I'm basking in now, but there certainly are things around me now to be joyous about. Potential new jobs are popping up for me, which is probably more than a lot of people can say in this day and age. That's probably the biggest thing, as well as the fact that I've been gainfully employed for the last 2 years. I have friends who I know care about me, and I'm taking more and more refuge in prayer and in God, something I've desired for a long time.

Anyway, a new week begins, and we'll see what it brings to the writer's pen.